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August 08 2017

00:47

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

dog owner culture

dog owner culture is

1 sec i can’t fucking breathe gimme a 

dog owner culture is chasing your 6 mo husky puppy around the yard in the dark in your underwear for 20 fucking minutes cause she stole an avocado from the kitchen counter & you’re afraid she’ll choke on the pit. fuck

00:46
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mikepents:

weavemama:

weavemama:

BEES ARE THE ULTIMATE QUEENS OF THE COMBACK 🐝🐝🐝🐝

Source to article

The Department  of Agriculture honeybee health survey released a report (August 2nd 2017) that proves honeybee colonies rose 3% compared to last year. Also the amount of bees that disappeared or died has gone down 27%. Bees, you’re doing amazing sweetie 

YESSS. Thank god. 🙌

00:46
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tripprophet:

nyilams:

did u kno dolphins puff puff pass

If i gotta come back i want to be a dolphin next time

00:41

When it’s a full moon and your period is about to start.

00:34

gravemom:

veraxplus:

shacklefunk:

exchanging grammatically correct emails with adults is the most uncomfortable form of human interaction in existence

People who unironically reblog this have to psych themselves up for 15+ minutes to make phone calls

ur fucking right we do

00:16
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rihennalately:

crawpova ‘17

00:16
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southern-slayed:

No but really!!!!

00:07
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amandalovelace:

bob-belcher:

Tumblr themes circa 2014

god no. not again.

00:00

August 07 2017

23:13
23:12

A Definitive List of Why I Feel Like Florida Isn't A Real Place

shiralipkin:

inaneenglish:

valeria2067:

scribbleboxfox:

theunacceptablepylades:

iamtehzuul:

princessofharte:

ryuuenx:

key–of–destiny:

impureimpulse:

floridagothic:

Here is a list of random facts about Florida that prove exactly how weird of a place it is without the news stories.

In the north west there is a waterfall. The water falls from a stream for 90ft into a sink hole and disappears into the earth.

The capital of the state is filled with ancient live oaks and every spring the city turns yellow with pollen. The pollen is like a plague on the population. Even people without allergies develops allergies living there.

You’ll be floating down a river in a boat or on an inner tube when you see something fall from a tree ten feet away from you. You scramble out of the water as you see that the what you thought was a limb is now a water moccasin swimming past you.

Extensive systems of tunnels fill the landscape. They’re the hard work of the gopher tortoise. You know to never reach into one of these gopher tortoise borrows. They’re filled with rattlesnakes.

The largest native snake in Florida can reach lengths of about six or seven feet long. It is appropriately named the indigo snake for the blue sheen its black scales. Have no fear though. It is non venomous. Despite this fact, it’s diet includes rattlesnakes.

In the south, two invasive species of snakes are cross breeding to form an aggressive giant. This monstrosity will even feast on alligators.

There is a forest surrounding a spring populated with monkeys. The monkeys are not native to the state or the region. They were brought here as an attraction and left on a small island in the middle of a river. No one realized they could swim.

There are dozens of places claimed to be fountains of youth located throughout the state. One is in the north east in the oldest city in the state. It’s also the oldest European city in the country.

Ancient fish populate the rivers throughout the state. They can reach sizes of up to 10 ft in length and weigh over 300lbs. They’re jaws are like that of an alligator.

The cypress trees turn the water tannic and black. The water is so opaque you can’t see but six inches deep.

I never knew the USA had a mini Australia of its own.

@ryuuenx

MINI AUSTRALIA OH MY GOD

Bull sharks swim in our springs sometimes. They’re the only shark that can tolerate fresh water.

Twice a year, black “love bugs” come out from wherever they’re hiding and do nothing but mate. They look like catdog with how they walk. Their dead guts mess up car paint worse than bird poop.

Hurricanes, water spouts, and tornados are pretty common.

There are projectors in every classroom because when Jeb Bush was our governor, he wanted everyone in the state to be taught by one teacher per subject.

There’s at least one strawberry festival every month, but the best ones are in March. There are at least two manatee festivals a year.

Most of the animals from one of the Tarzan live action movies live in the state, usually at state parks. The hippopotamus is named Lucifer and he is a legal Florida resident. He likes watermelons.

There’s no way to live in Florida without the outside becoming the inside. There’s nothing you can do about it. Spiders and palmetto bugs will get inside no matter how much you spray or what pest company you use. Frogs and lizards will appear in your bed and bathtubs with no explanation. Snakes will somehow make it 200ft into a company building through 3 locked doors. It’s a mystery.

Walking to your car every morning with an arm raised cautiously in front of you as you go. No it’s not a Nazi salute, you’re preparing to walk through unexpected spider webs. The one day you don’t do it is the day you walk into one. That web is easily 6 feet in circumference.

Praying for the day the city finally starts spraying for mosquitoes.

Being that poor asshole that lives in the county where they don’t have a budget to spray for mosquitoes.

FUCKING GREY SQUIRRELS

Driving 45 minutes to an hour one way for work is pretty common. Driving 2 hours one way is not unheard of.

Pretty sure it’s impossible to be more than an hour and a half away from the coast.

It’s actually 91 degree F outside, feels like 110, and you’re wearing a sweater in your clerical office because they set the A/C to 68. Condensation on building windows is a common occurrence in the summer.

Long-term residents genuinely do not give two fucks about a hurricane unless it’s a category four. Three-hour afternoon squalls can do more damage than a category two. You can drive through a category one and not even realize you’re under an alert until you see the news the next morning.

That feel when you’re new to Florida and driving through an afternoon rainstorm for the first time, and the wipers are on high, you’re doing 20 mph, and you still can’t see.

That feel when you’re a long-term resident and some friends from out west come visit and comment on how dark the sky is, and you’re like bitch, that’s barely gray, does your sky never actually turn black during a rainstorm? There are literally storms that roll through that make it feel like night has fallen at 11 in the morning, it’s terrifying when you’re not used to it.

Seriously everyone in Florida is pretty immune to the idea of death, we walk past it constantly

Of the top 30 cities in the US with the most lightning, Florida has 17 of them.

Florida loves food festivals. In addition to the above mentioned strawberry festival, there’s also multiple seafood festivals, a peanut festival, giant shiitake mushroom festival, several chocolate festivals, a kumquat festival, a zucchini festival, and festivals for corn, honey, wine, swamp cabbage, sour oranges, pumpkins, tomatoes, catfish, pigs, watermelon, oysters, grapes, flan and a hell of a lot more.



Did I mention palmetto bugs are 2 inch roaches that can fly

@ghostzzy what the fuck

95% of the state’s wildlife winds up in your pool. With or without a screen around it.

Alligators in pretty much every body of water.

The part of the hurricane where the wall has just passed over you and everything’s too still and too quiet.

They taught us the pattern differences between a coral snake and a king snake because there was a chance we might run into one.

The ten thousand invasive species that have accumulated over time. There’s a new one each month.

Cane toads.

There are palm trees everywhere. Florida is an arboreal disaster. So many different types of trees. So many that kill each other. It’s a goddamned massacre.

The sweet smell of the sugar cane fields when they burn them.

Armadillos. Fucking- Armadillos.

My home. I’ve experienced at least half of the things in this list one or more times in just the past ten days.

P.S. Armadillos (when alive and not squished to a pancake on the highway) are actually pretty cute, BUT they will burrow out huge tunnels directly under your home’s foundation that can cause structural damage.

Oh, and they also carry leprosy.

BTW: Did we mention sinkholes?

O_O my boss is sending me to Florida for a week to train for a new role in our department. WHAT am I walking into?

Don’t forget the iguanas! Iguanas were a trendy pet a while ago before people realized that they would keep growing and that you need to devote half of a room in your house to being an iguana habitat eventually, so they released them into the wild, and now five-foot-long iguanas move in massive herds along the canals.

Also it often rains on one side of a street and not the other. Like, a sheet of rain in the middle of the road, with a downpour on one side and bright clear skies on the other.

23:06

showerthoughtsofficial:

At 29, I realized today that sweatbands on your wrists are to wipe your forehead not because your wrists get really sweaty.

23:06

champagnemoon:

Beauty standards are so wild tbh Tabria Majors is literally a goddess among us and is getting dragged daily by Sports Illustrated’s cave men followers

20:00
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16:00

aw1998monsters:

This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen

13:40

cherryvodkaandcigarettes-xo:

Lesbians on tumblr: 1, 567, 982

Lesbians in your area: 9

Lesbians attracted to you: -6

13:11

aethersea:

aprilwitching:

i think especially with relatively near future sci-fi and alternate present/just off reality sci-fi and fantasy, it’s a lot more effective to play off of “this word is the same, but the thing it refers to is in fact different than what you’ll initially picture or assume” than to invent a bunch of cutesy fake slang (again, ESPECIALLY for things we already have good words for)

like, for a real life example of what im talking about– we had “phones” in 1977, and we still have “phones” in 2017, but MAN would a time traveler from the 70s be confused by the things we call “phones” now, and the ways we use and relate to them– “im typing this text post on my phone, and autocorrect keeps cramping my style” is a straightforward and easily understandable sentence to me in 2017. it would sound like word salad to someone from 1977. (how can you TYPE something on a PHONE?? what does “post” mean in this context, or “text”? the fuck is “autocorrect”??)

but we still call them “phones”, you know, and not, idk, “cyberrectangles”

interplanetary shuttle system makes use of automated, pre-scheduled wormholes to get you to your day job on mars every morning – still called taking the bus.

super high-tech window protectors that keep out the deadly light of the ultra-bright sun? “close the curtains, tom, it’s almost dawn.”

your zero-g space station’s air filtration system is malfunctioning, threatening to cause a fiery explosion as all the waste co2 builds up in the engine room rather than the greenhouse? time to call the plumber.

13:07

cherryvodkaandcigarettes-xo:

Lesbians on tumblr: 1, 567, 982

Lesbians in your area: 9

Lesbians attracted to you: -6

12:00
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kidtheadult:

bearglitch:

kidtheadult:

Happy Independence day, now stop setting off explosions and making my dog freak out.

I don’t think you know what that word means

It’s funny you should say that, but I actually know what all of the words in this picture mean! Shocking, right? Just in case anyone doesn’t know, here’s definitions for the whooole thing!

I went to college to learn words good.

03:25
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themoonisupsidedown:

Book of Azathoth tarot deck

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